Tag Archives: What This Means

Who You Gonna Call?

It's been said that you are the average of the top 5 people you hang out with.  What this means is that the 5 people you hang out with the most, the traits, the skills, the financial picture, and the thought process of those 5 people help form your thoughts, traits, skills, and finances.

Think about that.

Think about the top 5 people you hang out with - spend the most time with.

When you've got great news, who you gonna call?

When you've got horrible news, who you gonna call?

When you've got surprising news, who you gonna call?

Who You Gonna CallWho are these 5 people that are affecting your life?

Now ask yourself this question...

"Are these 5 people helping me get to where I want to go or hurting me?"

Ask yourself, "Are these people pulling me towards my dreams or holding me back from attaining success?"

Upon reflection, most people will find that the people they surround themselves with are not moving them forward at all.

Most entrepreneurs will find that many of their top 5 are actually naysayers, negative Nellies, or nagging nannies.

In some cases, those people are actually your significant other and/or family members.

When I first heard that you need to surround yourself by people who will pull you forward and help you succeed, I thought to myself, well, I like my friends.  I don't want to lose them.  They're good people.

I didn't have any negative nellies.  The challenge though was that they weren't supportive of what I did either.  They were just my friends.  So I had to ask myself, what's really important to me?

What's really important to you?

What do you want to accomplish and achieve?

What eventually happened to me was that I started attending different meetings, trainings, and events, and found some individuals who knew more than I did on entrepreneurship and business building.  In addition, I hired a mentor to help move me forward.  I started spending more time with these people and less time with my previous 5.  And it wasn't really a conscious decision.  I just found that as my interest changed (to succeed more), I naturally started surrounding myself with like-minded individuals.

I found out that I didn't lose my old friends - they're still my friends, I just ended up making more friends and spending more time with them.  My new 5 challenged me, supported me, pulled me up, and moved me forward getting me closer and closer to my goals.  My old 5 are still around and I still get together with them a few times a year.  I don't hang out with them every week any more though... and I don't feel a sense of loss at all.

In fact, I am more fulfilled now than ever before.  I have new friends; I'm doing what I love, and I'm busier than ever.  As one of my new friends says, "Living the dream!"

When are you going to start living the dream?  When are you going to start moving forward with your life?  And... who you gonna call?

How Dare you STOP Doing Everything for Me

We are good people, we want to help people.  Most times when someone asks for help we jump up to lend assistance, well at least I do.   According to a U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics,  64.3 million people volunteered in 2011.  The majority of these people volunteer thru a formal organization,  Think Scout Leader, Salvation Army Bell ringer, Candy striper and Kids trick or treating for Unicef.

Women volunteer more than men across all factors, age, race, education, marital status and economic position.  People 40 years older and up, volunteer more than people in their 20’s, young married couples more than older married couples. Whites, more than any other ethnic group, and the higher the education the more likely they volunteer.  So you know what this means…..  If you need volunteers look for older white women or a young married woman.

So why do I bring this up?  I will tell you why, ( you knew I was going to ).  What do you do when what you do is no longer appreciated but expected?  How do you STOP doing for someone so that they can do things for themselves.   OK I will admit, I am an enabler. I will just do things for people because I know how to do them and they don’t.  I do them because they don’t have time. I do them because I am doing mine anyway so it’s not a big deal to do theirs.

For example,  I do my laundry every week, it is just my laundry and I often times don’t have enough to fill a load.  I live across the hall from my youngest Niece, I have told her that when I do laundry to give me hers because between the 2 of us, we have full loads.  You say to yourself,  “OK that makes sense” but here is the tricky part….. Do you think she would help out?  Perhaps fold the laundry or haul it up the stairs from the laundry room?  Nope, she doesn’t so I wash and dry and fold not only hers but mine.  I do my laundry the same day / same time every week, unless I am on vacation.  You would think the other tenants would realize that, but what typically happens is I go to the laundry room, there is a load in the washer and one in the dryer, so I am finishing off someone’s laundry so I can do mine.  You are screaming  DON’T DO IT…… how can I not, these other tenants are also my family.

I started a networking group, I showed social media virgins how to do the simplest basic tasks to help them create their own twitter accounts and how to increase their following etc etc.  When it got to be more than I had knowledge for, I told them that we were going to have to pay someone to come in and take us further…. You think I asked them to give me a million dollars each….. I suggested we form groups and go learn something and come back to the group with the info….. YIKES that was less effective, they either didn’t do it or they just regurgitated someone else’s info.  When we made changes to the group it was,  How dare you stop doing things for me for free.

I denied for a long time that I was an enabler.  You see I was raised that there were certain things you just “DID” because you were a good, Daughter, Sister, Niece, Friend.   How do you figure out when you have crossed the line from helping to enabling.

Helping is a good thing,  If I do your laundry with mine because we are conserving resources, even though you are quite capable of doing your own, I am just being nice.  If that person can do it themselves and they keep asking you to do something for them and you are going out of your way to do it, you are enabling them to depend on you.  Then they expect you to keep doing it and sometimes can even get angry with you when you refuse to keep doing it.  I think at some point, I did too much helping and in turn just enabled.

Do you know the warning signs?????   I didn’t but I shall now share them with you.

Enablers believe or try to:

  •   Protect others from the consequences of their own actions
  •   Deflect the hand of fate and soften its blow for others
  •  Attempt to save others from feeling intense emotional pain
  • Delay the day of reckoning for someone by averting social and financial difficulties for them
  • Pinch-hit for troubled persons, hiding their mistakes with alibis or lies to others
  • Act out of a sincere, if misguided, sense of love and loyalty
  • Take on responsibility for others
  • Deny and conceal the problems of others
  • Make decisions for others--decisions that are best left for the other person to make for themselves.
  • Minimize the problems of the troubled person
  • Feel trapped in the problems of the troubled person

Have you heard any of these statements falling out of your mouth??????

  •   “ I'm going to give them another chance."
  •   "I want to give them the benefit of the doubt."
  •   "I don't want them to fail."
  •   "I don't want him to think that I don't love him."
  •   "I don't want to be mean."
  •   "It's hard to say no."
  •   "I feel so unappreciated."
  •   "Just this one time only."
  •   "Let's not be hasty in our judgment."

Ok, so now that we know we are enablers what do we do about it?  How do we get past it?

Here are some easy or maybe not so easy tips on how to get past it:

  •   Do not lie for anyone
  •  Don’t make excuses for others for not keeping their obligations or doing what they need to do.
  • Do not clean up their mistakes, they can’t learn unless they fix it.
  • Be accountable for yourself only.  Your words, your actions and your bills.
  • Stand up for yourself and for Heaven’s Sake MEAN What you say and Say what You mean.
  • Don’t rescue someone, and if you really feel that you must take your sweet time at coming to the rescue.
  • Stop trying to fix others and concentrate on yourself.
  • If what you are doing for the person puts a strain on your time or resources the answer is NO I cannot help you.

 

I know it is hard to figure out the difference between helping and enabling…. I think you enable when they stop saying Thank You.